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Funny & Famous One Liner Jokes to Make You Laugh
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
When I see birds fly, I think to myself: “If I was a bird, who would I shit on?”
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I don’t know if liquor is the answer, but it’s worth a shot!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water I’d drink it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
Born free, taxed to death.
Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Funny One Liner Jokes
I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
People say I’m condescending. That means i talk down to people.
Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
Good friends are like bottles of Sweet Wine……that’s why I keep mine locked in the cellar.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
With great power, comes great electricity bills.
One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?”
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?
Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Violence is never the answer. It’s just a really good solution.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.
My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company.
For anyone who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re also ugly.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Ain’t it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.
Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.
You cannot taste me, until you undress me. (Banana)
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.
You cannot eat me unless you lick me. (Ice-cream)
Whenever you get mad, just think of a t-rex trying to masturbate.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? — His lips are moving.
You cannot play with me unless you blow me. (Balloon)
Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an IPad.
You cannot eat me unless you spread me. (Butter)
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
A day without smiling is a day wasted.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.