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Best Funny Anti Jokes
The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
What do you call a Jewish cop?
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because its a bird of prey.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
Why didn’t Johnny ride his bike to school?
Both of his legs were amputated. He can’t ride a bike ever again.
What is brown, and bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase “fire at will”.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
I don’t trust these stairs because they’re always up to something.
I like my coffee like my women.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Why do girls like Justin Bieber?
Because he is a talented singer.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
I ran into an old friend the other day.
I was arrested for driving under the influence.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What is a vampire’s favorite dessert?
Vampires aren’t real.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.
Take your age and add five years to it.
That is your age in five years.
I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.
What did the five fingers say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What do you call a fat hobo
Whatever his name his.
Don’t trust people who do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.
What has two legs, and is red all over?
Half a cat.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Ahmed walks into Abbar.
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
A fly buzzes in to a bar.
The bar tender promptly swats it with a fly swatter.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
What group of people do cops target?
There are two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other, “It sure is hot in here”. The other muffin says, “Yeah like 350, 375”.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why could Jimmy not drive a tractor? Because he had no arms or legs. Why? Because he is a potato.
A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.
I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head”.
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
Why did the kid drop his phone?
He was hit by a runaway train.
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Why was the boy sad?
Because he had a frog stapled to his face.
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
What did the girl say when she was stung by a bee?
Nothing, she was allergic.
Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is dying of terminal cancer”.
A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A dead zebra.
I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.
Your mom’s so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Your momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.
I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot.
I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Chuck Norris walked into a bar. He was greeted with much respect considering he was a talented actor.
I tried talking about our future but she just kept bringing up my past. It was a tense conversation.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
Two black guys go into a convenience store, Pay for their stuff and leave.
People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
My elderly aunt loves telling jokes while she knits. She is a real knitwit.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? “Where’s my tractor?
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
How do you stop a ginger from drowning?
You throw him a lifesaver and tell him to grab on to it.
How do you make a plumber cry?
You kill his family.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why did the little girl fall off of her bike?
Because she didn’t have any arms.
How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her blanket.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.