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Short Jokes And Puns That Will Make You Laugh
Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”
Doctor: You’re overweight.
Patient: I think I want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re also ugly.
I hate teachers who give homework over break. Like do you not understand what a break is? Do you want me to demonstrate on your neck?
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally, I had to take his bike away.
Old people poke me at weddings and tell me “your next”
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I’d like to buy a new boomerang, please.
Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?
Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.
But hell does that burn!
Most commen lies ever told:
“I didn’t do it”
“I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions”
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner.
The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
“Och, I look like a pig!”
The man nods, “And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!”
Boy: Dad, I got expelled from school.
Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?!
Boy: A kid said “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him.
Dad: That’s my boy.
Pessimist: “Things just can’t get any worse!”
Optimist: “Nah, of course they can!”
Wikipedia: “I know everything”.
Google: “I have everything”.
Facebook: “I know everybody”.
Internet: “Without me you’re nothing”.
Electricity: “Keep talking, b*tches”.
A naked women robs a bank.
Nobody could remember her face.
Please stop asking everyone to find your x. She’s not coming back.
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t work.
Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, Neil A. backwards is Alien.
Anyone else freaked out right now?
I change my car horn to a gunshot sound.
People move out of the way a lot faster now.
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body…. and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Wife: honey, can I hold Henry? (their new baby)
Husband: wait until he cries.
Husband: because I cant find him.
Funny Short Jokes
A Doctor says to his patient:
“You have Cancer and Alzheimer.”
Patient: “At least I don’t have Cancer.”
A clown and a little girl walk through a dark forest.
The girl says, “I’m scared!”
The clown replies, “You think you’re scared?
I have to walk back alone!
I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently, it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
I wanna hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to hell it isnt far.
What is dangerous?
Sneezing while having diarrhea!
A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: “Why do you look so fat?”
Pregnant woman: “I have a baby inside me”.
Boy: “Is it a good baby?”
Pregnant woman: “Yes, it is a very good baby”.
Boy: “Then why did you eat it?”
“Grandpa, why don’t you have any life insurance?”
“So you can all be really sad when I die.”
Something To Do Before You Die:
Dress up in a duck costume and throw bread at people and scream “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!?!?!”
Lazy fact #1568426268566985699866.
You were too lazy to even read the first 5 letters of that number.
After Tuesday even the calendar goes W-T-F.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.
He said he can’t complain.
How do you stop a fat robber from stealing your TV?
Tell him you don’t have the food network on it.
I heard women love a man in uniform.
Can’t wait to start working at McDonalds.
My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw an apple at his face.
Bill gates farted on an “Apple” store and stunk up the place, but its their fault for not having “Windows”.
What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?
Find the nearest skyscraper.
Love is like a fart, if you force it, it’s probably crap.
Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?
“Ask your sister”
I don’t have a…
The color red white and blue represents freedom.
Until it’s flashing in the back of your car.
You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!
Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.
It’s amazing how potatoes give us chips, fries and vodka.
Other vegetables seriously need to get their shit together!
Friend: I wasn’t that drunk!
Me: Dude you asked your girlfriend if she was single.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
A Boss is like a diaper, always on your ass and usually full of shit.
Whats looooong and hard?
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
911: Hello, this is 911 emergencies, how may i help you?
Me: My friend is dead.
911:Are you sure he is dead.
Me: Let me check (gunshot)
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Earlier today in court
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?
This girl i was dating called me and said, “Come on over there’s nobody home.
I rushed over to her house.
There was nobody home, that b*tch.
I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
I send flowers “From Steve” to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn.
Sometimes I wonder What the f*ck was going on in the head of the first person to look at a cow, squeeze the gross pink things, watch a thick, white liquid come out, and announce,” I’m gonna drink that”.
I tried to catch some fog the other day.
For anyone who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept.
I know 8 facts about you
1: You are obviously reading this (Keep at it)
2: Trust me, you can’t say “m” Without touching your lips!
3: You tried it.
4: You are smiling
6: You are smiling or laughing again!
7: Ha you didn’t notice I missed fact 5!
8: Ya checked it.
What’s the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything.
Call a girl beautiful a 1000 times and she’ll never notice.
But call her fat just once and she’ll never forget.
Elephants never forget.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
My doctor told me that I needed to watch my drinking.
Now I drink in front of a mirror.
So I went to Suicide Bombing Class and the teacher said, “Okay now pay attention!
I’m gonna do this once!”
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
The 3 things that the most people lie about on the internet:
1: Yes, I am 18 or older.
2: I have read and accept the terms and conditions.
3: Hold on, I’ll be right back.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
How people deal with insults
Pre-school: *cries* I’m telling
Primary school: Go away, leave me alone
Middle school: Get sucked
High school: You got a problem b*tch?
Three blondes walk into a building.
You’d think one of them would’ve seen it.
Go to the pet store and buy birdseed then ask the clerk how long will the birds take to grow.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Caller: Help! My wife is in labor and I don’t know what to do!
Operator: Is this her firstborn?
Caller: No, this is her husband.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing alone.
Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
Because she threw out all the bent ones.
The only B word you should call a girl by is beautiful.
Bitches love to be called beautiful.
Why did the policeman smell bad?
He was on duty.
Just bumped into a mannequin & said “sorry”.
Then said “Oh I thought you were a person”.
Then realized I was still talking to a mannequin.
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”.
Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”
A Sergeant Major stands before one of his corporals and says
” I didn’t see you at camouflage class last night corporal Jones”
” Thank you sir ” replied the corporal.
How do you get 100 old ladies to yell f*ck?
Have another one of them say bingo.
Me: Have you seen the new movie called constipated?
Me: It’s because it hasn’t come out yet.
Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
When I said b*tch in class my teacher suspended me, i don’t know what they have against dogs.
I hate when people say you don’t need alcohol to have fun.
I mean, you don’t need running shoes to run but they freckin help.
Don’t break hearts there’s only one.
So break bones, there’s 206
World shortest scary story.
The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.
What do you do with a dead chemist.
I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says “gosh, it’s hot in here”.
The other muffin screams “AAAH!! A talking muffin!”
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
Son: Dad, whats it like to have a handsome son?
Dad: I don’t know, ask your grandpa.
And the Lord said to John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
What’s the difference between a white iphone and a black iphone?
The black iphone runs faster.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
Why does a man ask for a woman’s hand in marriage?
He is tired of using his own!
A nutritionist and a doctor are in love with the same girl. One day the girl is to travel for five days so the nutritionist gives her five apples and says “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”.
I think i want a job cleaning mirrors, It’s just something i could really see myself doing.
I hate it when people see me at the store and say what are you doing here.
Then I say oh you know hunting elephants.
That moment when you did not hear what your mom said so you respond with a “sure’” and then your stuck cleaning the toilet for the rest of the month.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart…
…so I’ve been dead for a year now.
Roses Are Red
Violets Are Blue
God Made Me
What The Hell Happened To You?
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.
Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!”
Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”
You know when a comeback is bad.
When you have to explain it.
“And if you look out to the left, you’ll miss everything to the right.
Remember, every choice is also a loss.” – Me as a tour guide.
What’s the longest word in the Spanish language?
I hate it when you get a bottle of wine at a bar and they ask how many glasses you want.
It’s already in a glass. Just give me a straw.
Cop pulls me over and tells me papers please and I said scissors, I win. And i drove off.
You know how when you swimming in a public pool and you need to go pee, you just pee in the pool?
Well i was at a pool one day and i needed to pee so i started peeing in the pool.
The life guard saw me and started yelling at me. He scared me, I almost fell in.
9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date, today I finally asked her to marry me.
She said “no you f*cking creep” both times.
True Text meanings
BRB: I don’t wanna talk to you.
LOL: I don’t have anythings else to say.
COOL: I really don’t care.
News reporter: Amidst the devastation of this earthquake, there’s still hope.
I found a man’s wallet!
Teacher: The best medicine is laughter.
Kid: I guess your face must be curing the world.